Thursday, July 31, 2008

Terrance Newman Pulls Groin, Wins Springfield Film Festival

Who the fuck is Brett Farve? Homeboy is still retired right? No news there. Call us when something actually happens... Seriously call us, because we'd love to take notes about the subject, hang up, and take those notes and crumple them up and put them in the trash. If you're looking for Brett Farve news Coach Ryan suggests you watch ESPN. They're all over it, if you haven't noticed.

The news here, and by here, Coach Ryan means, the shit that ESPN never put on the ticker and isn't interested in is down goes Newman.

There is only one reason to pay attention to training camp: injuries. Coach Ryan loves watching players go down on the other 31 teams. It makes him happy, he fucking showers in that shit.

Now, Coach Ken has been a Cowboy fan ever since it was gay to be a Cowboy fan, which was 1992. Bad news for the Coach Ken, his boy, the staple of the Dallas secondary that makes up for all of Roy Williams shortcomings, pulled his groin.

Calvin Watkins from the Dallas Morning News (does another Dallas paper deliver at night?) reports that Newman will be out for three weeks with the tear in his pelvis. From a pussy stand point, his game is expected to off for atleast three months barring any re-injury, which might cause his balls to explode.

T.O has released a statement saying, "Get your pop-cohhhn ready."

Coach Ryan has seen some groin injuies, not including his own mis-hap when he had his testicles mistakenly snared up in his own front porch during his college days.... It's long story. A story of determination and recovery. A story of resilliance and perserverence. Coach Ryan is a survivor.

Anyways, Newman hurt either his balls, or the muscles around them. Tough break for the Cowboys, even if he's only out for three weeks, because that area doesn't heal quick and it tends to linger. After Coach Ryan sustained his injury he tried jumping that fence two months later. Not only did he have the wind taken out of him, he hasn't been able to hurdle anything higher than two feet since... By the way, Coach Ryan's balls have never been injured, nor intend to be, it's all for dramatic effect. Newman on the other hand, he's icing them shits.

Here is exculise footage Newman's injury, followed by Coach Ryan's reaction:

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