Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Brett Favre Traded to Jets: Good, Great, Grand, Wonderful

Brett Farve is a Jet. How does this effect Coach Ryan's Jet predictions from a few days ago? It doesn't. They'll still stink.

There you go. Now someone tell the fucking wolves at ESPN to calm the fuck down and try covering actual sporting events. What has this network become MTV? Fuck me.

If so Coach Ryan has no qualms about turning this bus around. That'll end ESPN's field trip pretty damn quick.

Oh by the way, how fucking great is it that ESPN sends seven fucking reporters to Green Bay for the last month and now Fox Sports broke the news. Hmmmm, Greta Van Sustren from Fox News gets the first exclusive interview, Fox Sports breaks the story of the trade. Coach Ryan's powers of deduction tell him that Favre prefers the Fox network over the World Wide Leader in Sports. Sucks to be you John Clayton, Len Pasquerelli, Chris Mortensen. You can kiss Jay Glazer's balls. But be gentle, that goes especially for you Clayton, you sick bastard.

Now, NO YELLING ON THE BUS!

Saturday, August 2, 2008

NFL Wide-Outs Are Bat Shit Crazy

It looks like Steve Smith will be helping his team win games from the sidelines for the first two games of the year as the Carolina Panthers announced that they will suspend their star according to reports out of the Charlotte Observer.

On the other coast Javon Walker's bizarre career took another bizarre turn. Chris Mortensen reports that Raiders owner Al "The Rat" Davis recently had to talk Walker out of retirement. Apparently Walker and his busted up cheek bone performed so badly in camp that the reciever couldn't take it anymore and even offered to pay back some money.

Let's review Javon Walker's career briefly. 2004: Becomes a star in Green Bay. 2005: demands money, holds out. Week 1 of 2005: Coach Ryan's Lions tear apart Walkers ACL. 2006 Walker is traded to Denver, has great season. New Year's 2007: Walker watches teammate Darrent Williams bleed to death in his arms. Entire 2007 season: Walker's knees buckle again. 2008: Walker has the shit kicked out of him in Las Vegas. Present day: Walker contemplates retirement.

In four years, that's a pretty jam packed resume.

So basically, if you have a reciever that doesn't consistently punch teammates in the face or have major self-esteem issues with bad knees, consider yourself lucky.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Steve Smith Tells Ray Lucas To Stay Out His Business

In the past few years Steve Smith has undergone this PR make-over to make him more fan friendly and likable. Up until today it has worked. People don't put Smith in the same conversation in terms of distracting the team as say a Chad Johnson, T.O. Plaxico Burress, and so on and so on.

But Smith is and has always been a punk. A punk that has wheels, but nonetheless, a punk. Today Smith reminded all of us that had forgotten just what kind of punk he is. According to the Charlotte Observer, Smith beat the shit out of cornerback Ray Lucas to point where he was carted off the field.

Nice job. For a guy who always brings up "nothing matters unless you win" this is an interesting approach to help make your team better so that they can win some games. It's not like Ray Lucas is chicken shit. The guy can play, and is arguably the best corner in the NFC South.

Here is exclusive footage of the fight:

Jon Kitna Ready to Atone for 2007 Second Half Sins

Coach Ryan and the Detroit Lions are like tuna fish and salad.... or spaghetti and meatballs if you prefer that anology better.

While the Lions inability to post a winning record does not embarass this Coach, Jon Kitna's christian hat wearing and and bible quoting act is wearing thin.

As the USA Today rolls through one camp at a time, today is the Lions turn on the best sports page in America, and it's all about Kitna.

What bothers Coach Ryan is this:

Jon Kitna loves god. Loves him more than anything else. In return for the love and the endless preaching, God rewards Kitna by making him the most sacked quarterback in the league two years in a row. When he gets sacked, or really, even when he doesn't, he likes to fumble. When he can't find the time to fumble he usually reverts to interceptions. This is God's reward for Kitna's love.

But with that criticism aside, when you sport the Honolulu blue and silver, you'll always be in Coach Ryan's good book (not that good book). Kitna, you're all right. Just take it easy on us binge-drinking sinners. We're a cool group too. Let's be real, we're all just looking for a proverbs 23 woman.

This video is 23 minutes long. All of it is gold. Here's a question as you listen to the great preacher Kitna, which is more baller, his hat or his Air Jordan beater? Sub question, does Jon Kitna get a rock hard dick when he reads scripture?