Thursday, February 19, 2009

Peoples Be Getting Clipped

Dre Bly, Deuce McCallister, Fred Taylor and now Marvin Harrison. The Colts have released arguably the second best receiver of all time according to Adam Schefter.

That's probably not a good thing. The world learned good and well what happens when you fuck with Marvin- you get mowed down in the parking lot. Marvin Harrison ain't no bitch, don't let the mustache and nice guy look fool you. Cross Marvin and you will get gatted up.

So to Colts GM Bill Polian and Harrison's replacement, Anthony Gonzalez, watch your back fellas. That weird feeling that someone's watching you, that's Marvin in the parking lot. And he's keeping a close watch. Be scurred because Marvin doesn't yield his piece like a little bitch. This is thug life!


Friday, February 13, 2009

Michael Vick Coming To A Town Near You?

It's been two very long years for Michael Vick, but it appears that the quarterback's comeback is in the first stages. The Atlanta Falcons, looking to make the biggest mistake ever, are trying to trade Vick according to the Atlanta Journal-Constitution.

Coach Ryan is an unapologetic Vick supporter, but has some slight concerns. Let's be real here, there are probably only a handful of teams that could acquire Vick and actually play him.

The Redskins, Raiders and Cowboys all have owners who don't give a fuck about their team's image, and always have a knack for raw talent. It would suck to see him where any of those uniforms. However, all three teams have big money invested at the QB position. Although Aaron Campbell's contract with Washington is nearing its end.

Coach Ryan knows of a little squad in Michigan that needs a quarterback- let's get that shit done, son. Of course, bringing in an inmate to the locker may pose some problems. Who knows what kind of mindset Coach Ryan's boy is coming out with. People will just have to adjust to some things.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Brett Favre Is Dust In the Wind

And so the Kellen Clemens Era begins in New York. King Douche is calling it quits according to ever media outlet in the country, althought Ed Werder appears to have learned first. It remains unclear if Jason Witten was the intial source.

Chris Mortensen took Werders new and "broke" it on Mike and Mike in the Morning after Greeney updated everyone on the call letters, time and weather.

As far as Favre goes, good thing you came back. Coach Ryan isn't sure what exactly that last year was all about, between not talking to any of your teammates, and single handedly eliminating you team from the playoffs down the stretch, especially in the last game of the year against the Dolphins. Somehow Favre thought that his lasting legacy would be throwing a pick against the Giants in OT of the NFC Championship. Coach Ryan was pretty sure people would forget that and remember that the Packers were garbage the two years before that and Favre ressurrected them.

But some how this seems more fitting for a pill popping booze hound like Favre. Unretiring, alienating himself from his favorite team, and captaining one of the best collapses in this decade is the kind of whimper you can really hang you hat on.

Good bye Brett. Now stay dead.

Chargers Channel Indian Giving Spirit

Hey Ladainian, what's happening. Remember two years ago when we promised to pay you a fuck ton of money? Yea, well we're going to have take some of it back. You see, we've run into some money troubles and we're going to need you to kick back to help us out. Thanks.

Oh, also, if you could go ahead and give us back all of that signing bonus that'd be great. No joke. San Diego is heading back to the bargaining table with LT according to the San Diego Union-Tribune. Just a simple glitch in the pay roll. A.J. Smith has got this. He's just going to fix the glitch.

Looking To Get Back Up On That Pogo Stick

After what we'll call a season long hiatus, Coach Ryan is ready to post again. Coach Ryan is hoping this will be a simple transition- tuck your sack back, maybe slap some rouge on ya. Ya game?

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Brett Favre Traded to Jets: Good, Great, Grand, Wonderful

Brett Farve is a Jet. How does this effect Coach Ryan's Jet predictions from a few days ago? It doesn't. They'll still stink.

There you go. Now someone tell the fucking wolves at ESPN to calm the fuck down and try covering actual sporting events. What has this network become MTV? Fuck me.

If so Coach Ryan has no qualms about turning this bus around. That'll end ESPN's field trip pretty damn quick.

Oh by the way, how fucking great is it that ESPN sends seven fucking reporters to Green Bay for the last month and now Fox Sports broke the news. Hmmmm, Greta Van Sustren from Fox News gets the first exclusive interview, Fox Sports breaks the story of the trade. Coach Ryan's powers of deduction tell him that Favre prefers the Fox network over the World Wide Leader in Sports. Sucks to be you John Clayton, Len Pasquerelli, Chris Mortensen. You can kiss Jay Glazer's balls. But be gentle, that goes especially for you Clayton, you sick bastard.

Now, NO YELLING ON THE BUS!

Saturday, August 2, 2008

NFL Wide-Outs Are Bat Shit Crazy

It looks like Steve Smith will be helping his team win games from the sidelines for the first two games of the year as the Carolina Panthers announced that they will suspend their star according to reports out of the Charlotte Observer.

On the other coast Javon Walker's bizarre career took another bizarre turn. Chris Mortensen reports that Raiders owner Al "The Rat" Davis recently had to talk Walker out of retirement. Apparently Walker and his busted up cheek bone performed so badly in camp that the reciever couldn't take it anymore and even offered to pay back some money.

Let's review Javon Walker's career briefly. 2004: Becomes a star in Green Bay. 2005: demands money, holds out. Week 1 of 2005: Coach Ryan's Lions tear apart Walkers ACL. 2006 Walker is traded to Denver, has great season. New Year's 2007: Walker watches teammate Darrent Williams bleed to death in his arms. Entire 2007 season: Walker's knees buckle again. 2008: Walker has the shit kicked out of him in Las Vegas. Present day: Walker contemplates retirement.

In four years, that's a pretty jam packed resume.

So basically, if you have a reciever that doesn't consistently punch teammates in the face or have major self-esteem issues with bad knees, consider yourself lucky.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Steve Smith Tells Ray Lucas To Stay Out His Business

In the past few years Steve Smith has undergone this PR make-over to make him more fan friendly and likable. Up until today it has worked. People don't put Smith in the same conversation in terms of distracting the team as say a Chad Johnson, T.O. Plaxico Burress, and so on and so on.

But Smith is and has always been a punk. A punk that has wheels, but nonetheless, a punk. Today Smith reminded all of us that had forgotten just what kind of punk he is. According to the Charlotte Observer, Smith beat the shit out of cornerback Ray Lucas to point where he was carted off the field.

Nice job. For a guy who always brings up "nothing matters unless you win" this is an interesting approach to help make your team better so that they can win some games. It's not like Ray Lucas is chicken shit. The guy can play, and is arguably the best corner in the NFC South.

Here is exclusive footage of the fight:

Jon Kitna Ready to Atone for 2007 Second Half Sins

Coach Ryan and the Detroit Lions are like tuna fish and salad.... or spaghetti and meatballs if you prefer that anology better.

While the Lions inability to post a winning record does not embarass this Coach, Jon Kitna's christian hat wearing and and bible quoting act is wearing thin.

As the USA Today rolls through one camp at a time, today is the Lions turn on the best sports page in America, and it's all about Kitna.

What bothers Coach Ryan is this:

Jon Kitna loves god. Loves him more than anything else. In return for the love and the endless preaching, God rewards Kitna by making him the most sacked quarterback in the league two years in a row. When he gets sacked, or really, even when he doesn't, he likes to fumble. When he can't find the time to fumble he usually reverts to interceptions. This is God's reward for Kitna's love.

But with that criticism aside, when you sport the Honolulu blue and silver, you'll always be in Coach Ryan's good book (not that good book). Kitna, you're all right. Just take it easy on us binge-drinking sinners. We're a cool group too. Let's be real, we're all just looking for a proverbs 23 woman.

This video is 23 minutes long. All of it is gold. Here's a question as you listen to the great preacher Kitna, which is more baller, his hat or his Air Jordan beater? Sub question, does Jon Kitna get a rock hard dick when he reads scripture?

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Terrance Newman Pulls Groin, Wins Springfield Film Festival

Who the fuck is Brett Farve? Homeboy is still retired right? No news there. Call us when something actually happens... Seriously call us, because we'd love to take notes about the subject, hang up, and take those notes and crumple them up and put them in the trash. If you're looking for Brett Farve news Coach Ryan suggests you watch ESPN. They're all over it, if you haven't noticed.

The news here, and by here, Coach Ryan means, the shit that ESPN never put on the ticker and isn't interested in is down goes Newman.

There is only one reason to pay attention to training camp: injuries. Coach Ryan loves watching players go down on the other 31 teams. It makes him happy, he fucking showers in that shit.

Now, Coach Ken has been a Cowboy fan ever since it was gay to be a Cowboy fan, which was 1992. Bad news for the Coach Ken, his boy, the staple of the Dallas secondary that makes up for all of Roy Williams shortcomings, pulled his groin.

Calvin Watkins from the Dallas Morning News (does another Dallas paper deliver at night?) reports that Newman will be out for three weeks with the tear in his pelvis. From a pussy stand point, his game is expected to off for atleast three months barring any re-injury, which might cause his balls to explode.

T.O has released a statement saying, "Get your pop-cohhhn ready."

Coach Ryan has seen some groin injuies, not including his own mis-hap when he had his testicles mistakenly snared up in his own front porch during his college days.... It's long story. A story of determination and recovery. A story of resilliance and perserverence. Coach Ryan is a survivor.

Anyways, Newman hurt either his balls, or the muscles around them. Tough break for the Cowboys, even if he's only out for three weeks, because that area doesn't heal quick and it tends to linger. After Coach Ryan sustained his injury he tried jumping that fence two months later. Not only did he have the wind taken out of him, he hasn't been able to hurdle anything higher than two feet since... By the way, Coach Ryan's balls have never been injured, nor intend to be, it's all for dramatic effect. Newman on the other hand, he's icing them shits.

Here is exculise footage Newman's injury, followed by Coach Ryan's reaction:


Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Brady Quinn Is Either Smart or Really Dumb

This requires no lengthy lead. Brady Quinn is wearing tights in practice as seen on one of Coach Ryan's favorites, Deadspin.com.

Now here's a long post:

There are two unspoken rules in the NFL.

Rule #1: No gays allowed
Rule #2: If you queers happen to pull a fast one, and slip your shit-stained cocks past rule one, you're not allowed to do things that might tip people off to your gayness.

Coach Ryan doesn't know, or care to know Brady Quinn's sexual preferences... Correction. Coach Ryan doesn't know Brady Quinn's sexual preferences. This is the best story in the NFL hands down.

Cleveland, like New York, like Detroit, like Pittsburg, and like Buffalo are places where the thought of a gay anything causes heads to explode, especially people who watch Joel Osteen informercials. These people are the blue collar towns where everything must be on the straight and narrow. A gay quarterback? Forget it. They would call him a low down ruthless vato and never shake his hand. In these towns there is only room for tits, beer, and football. No shit-pushing. Unless you're in prison of course, then it's all open game.


Cities like San Francisco, Seattle, San Diego, Boston, Minnesota, and definitely Dallas, these are the few places that the concept of a gay player might make heads spin, but can't be overcome. Tony Romo has come a long ways (and only on girls, or has he?). It's going to happen sometime to somebody.

The first guy that does it will be killed. But, before some religious lunatic takes him out, he will make billions and trillions of dollars in endorsements from gay stuff. You can't tell Coah Ryan that if BQ is in fact a top or bottom, or even a twink, that GLAAD, Ambercrombie and Fitch, Express for Men, MTV, VH1, Mike and Mike in the Morning, Red Lobster and Toyota won't send him big time cash to endorse their product.

B-Quiddy already gets money for that muscle milk and protein bar shit, which is probably about the gayest group of products. Dude's pumping huge at the gym, drinking muscle milk and jacking off to their own reflection in the mirror? Major gay.

Anyways, what Coach Ryan is getting at is that BQ has pulled just about every trick in the book to get people to think that he's gay, just like Peyton Manning has done to prove that he's not gay with Kenny Chesney, whose undoubetly gay by even gay standards. A precedent is being set. Maybe if he keeps this kind of thing up people will pull a Red Sox nation and say, oh that's just Brady being Brady. (Not that Brady, and for the record, Tom Brady does a lot of gay shit, but that asshole always gets back to square one by nailing hot bitches. That mother fucker.)

So, If Derek Anderson goes down (not on somebody, on the field), or he performs masterfully Brady Quinn will get his chance to shine, whether in Cleveland or some place else, and this discussion may or may not come up, depending on if he keeps up his current tendancies, or comes out. Someday soon a really good athlete that is gay will come out, much to Tim Hardaway's chagrin.

But it will happen. And there is a lot of loot and bullets that will rain down. Now who wants to be first. Maye Brady Quinn does. God bless him if he does, and bless him twice if he does it a blue collar town not named Detroit. Okay Detroit too, but only if he pretends to be straight. See? This homophobia shit is tough slugging.

By the way football is the only sport that has every play begin with a player slapping a 300 pound man in the taint, or sometimes they miss and hit sack, or miss in the direction and hit straight bung. For whatever reason, it's accepted that it's not gay.

Editors note: This above statement is actually that's wrong. Wrestling is incredibly gay. Coach Ryan apologizes to all the readers for this error, and especially to Coach Ken for all the low blows. By the way, the entire post can be summed up in this video.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Patriots Promise No Pownage of New Rule

So the NFL is giving one player on the defense a radio head set. It's new, kind of interesting.

No big deal, right? WRONG!

One of the teams getting a head set is the Patriots. And we can only begin to imagine the ways they wil imagine they can find to cheat with these things.

The Boston Herald reports that the Patriots are off to a slow start mastering this new tool, but paired with Belichick's signal stealing skills, it should be good enough to go 18-1 again.

This is an absolutely hilarious article because you can literally see the Herald and its author, John Tomase, trying to dodge any cheating angles, and play the card that this rule will hurt the team more than it will help.

Why would the Herald homer it up? You may or may not remember a certain newspaper alledging that the Patriots video taped the Rams Superbowl walk-through back in 2001. And you might also remember those allegations being made up. These guys are responsible for that. The Boston Globe has never been more grateful, and the Herald, never more desperate to suck some super duper serial Patriot dick.

Apparently Belichick says he doesn't know which player should wear the helmet. Solution? Give all 11 starters that radio helmet.

But perhaps Coach Ryan is being too hard on Belichick, a guy, who when it comes down to it, Coach Ryan actually likes and finds highly entertaining... okay, talented too. But that said, Patriots fans are still fags. Giants fans? Well they are, uh.... fucking awesome? (1:23, Coach Ryan promises gold)


Monday, July 28, 2008

Marshawn Lynch: You Can't See Me

The Buffalo Bills and their running back got some good news today. The NFL has decided to let Lynch's little hit run escapade isn't suspension worthy according to the CBC.

How the fuck? Goodell suspended Adam Jones and he hadn't been confessed much less been found guilty in the court of law but he got the boot for a year. Lynch was rolling dirty and ran off when he got his whip tangled up with some old crusty bitch.

Maybe Goodell just feels sorry for the Bills, and doesn't want to the team's last year in Buffalo to be crippled by a suspension. Coach Ryan figured Lynch would get alteast one, possibly two games, which is completely justified. Instead Goodell decides to say boys will be boys.

But let it be known: there is a precedent for Lynch and his propensity to drive dirty. Lynch used to roll extra dirty back in Cali-Cali.



But what if Goodell is just setting Lynch up?

It seems entirely possible that Goodell is waiting in the weeds, like a snake, patiently silent before the stike. Dare Coach Ryan say a Texas rattle-snake? Lynch might be saying you can't see me and then out of know where- he's gets a fucking stunner from Goodell.

That's almost too baller. Almost.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Matt Leinart Prepares for Big Season, Jager Bombs

In 2006 it was widely perceived that the Arizona Cardinals got away with grand larceny when Matt Leinart unexpectedly slid, not getting drafted in the first nine picks. The Cards tagged him at ten, and with a stable of receivers and the recent signing of Edgerrin "Fuck Joseph Addai" James, the Cardinals were a shoe in to be the Colts by 2008.

Well Leinart hasn't quite enjoyed the fairy-tale story that the NFL sports writers wrote prematurely in 2006. Don't feel bad Matt, Joey Harrington had the same thing happen to him in 2005. It's tough on them streets.

Anyways, buried deep in the CNNSI.com webpage, Arash Markazi has taken a moment from rubbing in pomade into his hair with a comb to jump into a deep look at Leinart and what the 2008 campaign means for the former USC star.

Allow Coach Ryan to cut to the chase. If Leinart's season goes well, he will do this.


If Leinart has a shitty season you can expect something like this.





Wait for it.....





Hold.....





Ahhhhh yes. Coach Ryan apologizes, for the dramatic effect. It worked for Mel Gibson with William Wallace, thought we'd give it a shot.

Friday, July 25, 2008

1-2-3-4 Aquan Deserves More... Money (Internet Money?)

While Drew Rosenhaus may not be Stephen Aboutmen of the WGA (yes, the World Canadian Bureau) it appears that he and one of his clients, Anquan Boldin, have had about enough.

According to the East Valley Tribune (sounds more like a mall than a paper), Boldin is done talking to the Cardinals about a new deal. He'll play his extension out and that's fucking it. Oh, and apparently this has nothing to do with Larry Fitzgerald.

Coach Ryan remembers the wrath of Larry Fitzgerald, it happened twice. It was his freshman year. It was the second day of November. The gay ass Panthers rolled in and ruined our undefeated season. Those cock suckers. Then they broke our balls again in 2003. It was all Fitzgerald all the way, and all on Deangelo Hall, who stinks.

Side note: After the Pitt loss in 02, Deangelo Hall guaranteed victory against Syracuse. Guess who's ass was toasted on almost every play as the Orangemen beat the Hokies in triple OT. D-Hall is correct. D-Hall blew the two more of the next three games. And we had the untouchables too. Godammit!

Anyways, Coach Ryan digresses. What he was getting at was the fact that Larry's contract has crippled the Cardinals organization. It was too much money, and they don't have the wiggle room for the guy who doesn't have the Fitz finesse, but is like a super Hines Ward in that he's money on running plays, and beefs his way down the field as good as T.O. does.

Major asset. Major set back. Next year he'll sign with Chicago and be really money and the Bears will go on a tear of ass-fuckings and the Cardinals will continue to be not good.

Anquan Boldin and Drew Rosenhaus are not the Cardinals friends, guy.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Brandon Marshall Reports to Principle's Office, Falls Through Table For Big Mac

While Brett Farve and Jason Taylor have made the most noise this off-season, perhaps Coach Ryan's favorite story came from Bronco's reciever Brandon Marshall who managed to nearly cut off his arm in a fight over some Mickey D's.

While this is not a crime, Marhall's DUI's and behavior has drawn the ire of Roger "The Hammer" Goodell (by the way, did anyone else hear Chris Mortensen jack this nick name yesterday on NFL Live?).

The two had themselves a little visit according to the Denver Post.

Unfortunately, Marshall began trying to motivationally speak with Goodell which resulted in disaster. Not but a few months removed from crashing through his entertainment center, Marshall did it again, this time destroying the commisioners coffee table.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Lions Going to TKO the Queers in the NFC North

Shameless post? Yes.

It's been atleast three years since Coach Ryan can remember a free agent move that made sense for his Detroit Lions. Dewayne White is legit, but Fernando Bryant, Damien Woody, Bill Schroeder, that's not exactly much to brag about.

While his he's past his prime Coach Ryan is happy to announce that the Detroit Free Press says it's just about a lock that Takeo Spikes dons that honolulu blue this year. And thank the fuck Christ. If you haven't heard, we've got problems on D and our second round pick Jordan Dizon isn't signed yet, and isn't exactly a guarantee to be great. So it's nice to have TKO ready to go because even if we get three games at 50% from TKO, we'll be better off.

Good signing. Lions in 2008. Where's the booze at?

Piss Into the Cup... Cheater

Uh ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. There are solid tests for steroids and emphetamines, but not human growth hormone, widely known as HGH by many, but Coach Ryan prefers to keep it real and call it what it is, stem cells, which lets be honest, is just dead fetus. It's delicious and good for you.

But NFL doesn't think its good for you (quit hating ya'll) because it makes you too awesome. The NFL isn't alone, MLB, the OCC, just about everyone is scrambling to get a reliable test for HGH. USA Today reports that now the leagues have it, and Shawn Meriman should be shaking in his boots.

This is good news for those who don't cheat and fans that hate cheaters, and bad news for everyone else and all the fans that love entertainment.

One of Coach Ryan's favorite sports writers Jason Whitlock has been very out spoken about drugs and entertainment and how sports are no different from wrestling. Fake story aline aside, bigger, stronger, faster is what sells tickets. It's really amazing that so much of the NFL fanbase wants guys who ran 4.25's but want them to be drug free. Ask Steve Sabol if he thinks anyone in those tapes of his from the 60's is putting up times in the 4.4's. Or putting up 29 reps at 225. It ain't happening without HGH or juice.

Let's be real. With out HGH you don't get Jersey trash, which is really just fraternity trash when you think about it. Would the world be worth living in without that kind of trash?


Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Arthur Blank Can Fucking Belive It's Not Butter

When Home Depot co-founder Arthur Blank and his John Waters mustache signed up for majority owner of the Falcons it was to jump on the Michael Vick bandwagon. Not a diffiucult decision, Vick's winnning percentage speaks for itself. It actually says a lot more when you factor in the number of busts Rich McKay supplied him with, but that's another story in itself.

This is a fact. In his first year starting, Vick single handedly led the way to the first playoff road victory at Lambeau field against the Packers. That's right, until 2002, nobody had done that. In 2003 Vick missed all but five games with a bum wheel. The Falcons started out 1-10. He played the last five games going 4-1 in the process. Next year, despite Blank retardedly pulling the plug on Dan Reeves, Vick led himself and Alge Crumpler to the NFC Championship.

Arthur Blank had it made, his star quarterback was better than anyone could imagine, if he could push this heap of shit team to the NFC championship, only God knows what he can't do.

Lengthy lead , Coach Ryan knows, but it is warrented. Flash-forward to 2008. Vick is wrongfully in jail (yes Coach Ryan said it, if he was Paris Hilton he'd be out. Who's crueler to dogs?). The Falcons let pain-in-the ass pro bowl cornerback Deangelo Hall go for next to nothing, and now they are stuck with a great big shit sandwich, and all of Atlanta is going to have to take a bite... that is, according to Jarret Bell at Coach Ryan's favorite paper, the USA Today.

What makes this story gold is all the haters who trashed Vick's quarterbacking skills. All these hyporcrites have painted the Falcons as losers, and they are, but they quickly forget that it wasn't but 18 months ago that they had Vick painted as the worst quarterback in the NFL. Retraction anyone? People argue that Tom Brady and Peyton Manning are the most important people in the NFL, as in if either team lost either signal-callers, they'd be fucked. How about Vick? In this case the evidence is actually there.

Now the Falcons are stuck with Matt Ryan (for six years), whose claim to fame is that his team succesfully avoided complete mediocrity because the Boston College special teams managed to pull off an onside kick against Virginia Tech wide-out, and dumb fuck, Josh Morgan. That goes wrong and Matt Ryan is a fifth rounder carrying Brodie Croyle's clip-board, and swinging dick.

This said, Coach Ryan hopes the Flacons "faithful" enjoy their new product, Matt Ryan. Vick may be dumb (or baller) for his dog fighting beef, but the Falcons are dumber for not fighting the PETA movement and standing behind the QB that put them on the map. Perhaps had they ignored that dog loving bullshit, and bought him some legal help Ray Lewis style, Vick would be back this season. Now he's destined to sign with another team come his release. Here's hoping it's the Lions.

So with that, Coach Ryan says cheers to Matt Ryan. Goodluck, dick squeezer. Good call Arthur Blank, how's that Petrino signing working out? Clown. Lowes kicks the shit out of Home Depot anyways. Jimmy Johnson anyone?

Monday, July 21, 2008

Cajuns Scramble for Casio G-Shock Watches

So it turns out that all that "we still like Jeremy Shockey" talk from the Giants was in fact bullshit. Jay Glazer reports that the Giants are trucking the tight end for a 2nd and 5th rounder in next years draft.

With Shockey sidelined, the Giants flourished, not necessarily because he was absent, but hey, something was clicking. That something was the arrival of Kevin "Boss" Boss. He was an adequate replacement and the offense didn't have to center around him.

Bottom line he's cheaper, he's less maitainence, and right now he's more durable. He's like a silver Toyota Camry and Shockey's more of a bright red Ford Excursion.

New Orleans is a good place for Shockey as they are a pass happy team. If only they had a running back. Bottom line. Get excited. And get even more excited for digital watches. He's powered by the fucking sun! Can your rolex do that? Exactly. Next question.

Stay Out of Miami, Taylor, Stay Out of my Beach Community

Well the Tuna finally got rid of Jason Taylor. According to the Associated Press, all it took was a giant "HELP!!!" from the Redskins, who lost two defensive ends for the year in just one day of camp. It's a position that many thought Washington would try address in the both the draft and the free agency.

Now they finally have. Dan Snyder can rejoice, his team is in spotlight.

Coach Ryan's question is how the hell do the redskins plan to put Taylor to proper use? In previous years he's cha-cha'd and salsa'd his way to the quarterback in a 3-4 scheme. The Redskin are a 4-3 scheme, and Taylor, while fast and nimble, very nimble actually, isn't going to be very useful except on passing downs.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Men At A BBQ....I Like You...I Like You Too Dogg

Well Coach Ken has been waiting for this story for a long time. TMZ is reporting that a shirtless photo of Brown's benchwarmer Brady Quinn has been used to promote a gay dating website called findmen4men.com (it's a pretty good site). Here is a shot of the BQ mania:



SO this picture has been used to promote this gay dating website for months. Now, after all this time, the lawyer for Brady "Jeff Garthia" Quinn is saying they didn't have BQ's permission to use the photo, but Coach Ken isn't buying it. Im not saying Brady is gay (or am I?), but this isn't the first time we've seen questionable photos of Mr. Quinn:



So he's a crotch-grabber, no big deal. At least he has a nice pink polo on. Anyways, I wonder how Roger "The Hammer" Goodell feels about all this. A suspension due to association with a gay website would be a first. Maybe he shares Black Bush's views (around 5:00):

Why Can't They Just Let Vick Be, Egh?

Coach Ryan lives for NFL news... and steak, but mostly NFL news. Brett Favre and his bullshit is not news, much less good steak. It is simply bullshit, call Coach Ryan when it is news. Actually, don't. Don't call Coach Ryan, fuck Brett Favre. Coach Ryan hates him and he stinks. He breaths up all the white man's air. He thinks he's the best dancer. And did Coach Ryan mention he stinks already?



But here is some news. Deep in the depths of jail the greatest quarterback in NFL history is asking for some time, just a little bit, nothing special, just some time to work on those bankruptcy papers... according to the Associated Press of course.

Give the man a chance. It's bad enough that he's serving time that most corrupt politcians (Karl Rove, Scoot Libby), corrupt NBA officials (Donaghy and co.), corrupt financials fucks (Indybanc, Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac), corrupt oil officials (OPEC), corrupt oil companies (Exxon Mobil, Shell, BP, Chevron), mudering gamblers (O.J., Ray Lewis) serial rapists (Mark Chemura), polygamists (Texas anyone?), and of course anyone else in the NFL that drives drunk, assualts, batters, punches pregnant women in the stomach, or whatever else you can do bad that lands you in jail, will serve (Chris Henry, Jared Allen, Kalvin Pearson, just to name a few).

So give the fucking guy a fucking chance. Dogs. Mean dogs that love to eat little children and fight. He spared us. Spared little children from getting eaten by mean ass dogs walking across the street. He did it by building a kennel, breeding them and making them fight each other, in an effort to find a super dog, copy it's DNA and develop a cure for sick dying ass kids who get attacked by dogs, so they could fight back. Pacman Jones and Chris Henry's gay Mountaineer asses get ten and eleven chances, #7 gets none? It's bullshit.

Give the man a fair break to get his life together for fucks sake, ehg? Let the man piece it back together, egh?

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Josh McCown Withdrawls From ESPN Timber Sport Competition

First, as a former Lion who never took a snap for Coach Ryan's team and he fucking should have, we... no... Corection, they started 1-7 that year so why the fuck not? Josh "Tears of" McCown (as he is affectionately known by Chris Berman fans everywhere, and yes, Coach Ryan will nail "Boomer" soon) has a special place in my heart.

Arizona, Detroit, Oakland, now Miami, McCown is a lot better than anyone thinks. Rocket laser arm Peyton Manning cell phone commercial style? Yes. He's better than Brodie Croyle, why the fuck did his agent not point to Kansas City? Guess who's fucking fired.

Anyways, I digress.

McCown, underrated he may be, also happens to be a complete fucking clown shoe. Slick can master the art of gelling his hair, but give him a chain saw and everything's fucked. The Sun-Sentinal reports that McCown is giving up the STIHL after a close call.

A little dillema here. Timber sports? American Psycho? Both lovely chainsaw videos. How about both seperated by a brief environmental message from Coach Ryan?



Aside from the original sin debacle, trees were grown on God's green earth for the human race to evolve from hunter-gatherers into smelters so that we could develop tools, and from there, sharp metallic stainless steel wedges (but these new graphite joints chop wood Rutgers football style). We quickly moved beyond that to motor driven objects with rotating sharp teeth... Bawwwwwwwwwlin'? Yes. A thousand times yes.

Today, with Josh Hamilton's Lord and savior's will, we can only hope that things don't change. As it stands, trees exist to get knocked the fuck out in an effort to deterimine which one of us is the world's greatest chaw-chewing hick. Let us pray that times don't change. Top Dollar Coaching sincerely appologizes for the official language spoken by illegal immigrants everywhere, but the only other alternative accompanied by country music on the dang youtube was in fucking German. And who won WWII? We're not resorting to that. Fence jumping it is, holmes.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Thug 4 Life, High 'Til I Die

The NFL is making too much money and has too much free time. In a move that makes the Goodell era look more and more like the Big Brother Bush administration, Sam Farmer of the Los Angeles Times reports that the league will be on the look out for players throwing out gang related signals.

Who cares. Coach Ryan doesn't see a problem with gangs. A few drinks with the crew, some card games. What's the problem?


Coach Ryan is pretty sure that if it's legal to join a fraternity, it's legal to join a gang. What's illegal is committing crimes. But if Javon Walker or Maurice Jones-Drew want to wear their colors for the crips and bloods, fuck it, let them. Let's not forget the Latin Kings. They need love too.

Maybe the NFL should stop worrying about who's in what gang and focus on getting all these guys into the rec center for a lock in to settle everyone's differences.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Kevin Jones Signs With Bears, Fucks With Coach Ryan's Emotions

A few months ago the Detroit Lions committed the unforgivable sin of cutting one Coach Ryan's favorite players, professional or collegiate.

Coach Ryan knew all along that Kevin Jones was destined for Chicago. Beyond Detroit, there is no better fit. Today Brad Briggs at the Chicago Sun-Times got a break from Jay Mariotti screaming in his face to report that the Bears have signed KJ. Enjoy him Chicago. Cherish him. He will be missed.

Coach Ryan remembers well that 31st pick in the NFL Draft back at the end of April in 2004. It was a sunny day in Blacksburg. Virginia Tech had just finished playing its spring game. When the Chiefs and Lions swapped picks, Coach Ryan knew who was coming to Big D (yea, that's right, it's the real Big D). It was a joyous day.

Now instead of chearing for KJ, Coach Ryan will live in fear at least twice a year as he prepares for the former Hokie to rape the Lions good and hard. This is going to suck soo much. KJ is going to tear our asses up. WHY!? COLLETTO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Cowboys Ink Hamlin, Prepare Negotiations With Henry

It's a Cowboys story so Coach Ryan had to scoop it. "America's Team" has signed saftey Ken Hamlin to a six year deal according to the Dallas Morning News' Todd Archer (no relation to Sean Archer from Faceoff, although Top Dollar Coaching does recognize the possibilty may exist, what given with today's technological advancements).

Hamlin came to Dallas in 2007 from Kansas City in 1960 via the Delorian and its flux capacitor . The short stop was magnificent last year as he transitioned to safety and made the Pro Bowl, which made up for the other two members of the Dallas secondary that stink.

With Hamlin on board for the long haul, now is the perfect time for "Double JJ" Jerry Jones to address that second safety. Coach Ryan says if the Cowboys plan to do anything other than stack eight in the box, Roy "Horse-Collar Me Bad" Williams needs to get the ax.

But Coach Ryan doesn't want to hate on the Cowboys too hard. This man below says it all. He's made from real texans so you know he's good. It's tough on them streets. Especially if you're over weight and have to wear a winter hat in Dallas.

Bursa Sac Tea-bags Manning

With training camp just a week away, there's bound to be some great pre-season injuries, but we didn't even have to wait for that to watch a franchise player screw his team over.

The Indianpolis Star reports that Peyton Manning will be out for a month and a half after the QB underwent knee surgery.

No word as to how long Manning will be out as doctors remove the tumor that he calls his fore head.

The Colts are now without Manning, and it's doubtful as to whether Dwight Freeney or Bob Sanders will be healthy enough to practice during training camp.

Looks this could be the beginning of the end. And that end begins with the Jim Sorgi era. It's an era that will undoubtedly end in the retraction of the Colts franchise from the NFL.

As such, Coach Ryan is sure Colts fans everywhere are praying that Manning doesn't spend the rest of the summer soaking up the sun with life partner Kenny Chesney and instead decides to break down some film occasionally.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Take Me To Jail....You Can't

Well Coach Ryan has scooped up the Chris Henry story first. Coach Ryan has also struck the first blow. Thats OK. His time will come. Whose got predictions? I bet Kitna does. But thats another post. This post is to shift focus away from the video of the best teammate ever, T.O., and back to Chris Henry. The fact that he has gotten arrested 6 times now since he has been in the NFL and not served any jail time is rediculous (insert Mike Vick rant here). At this point, Henry is not remotely afraid of going to jail, because it simply can't happen to him. He is so cocky now, Coach Ken over heard him at a barbecue...."Take me to jail!!!!"

Chris Henry Slipprier Than Goose Shit on a Pump Handle

Maybe the great state of Ohio just has complete boobs for prosecuting attorneys, but it's look more and more like the former bengal just can't be jailed. Assault and battery charges against the wide-out have been dropped according to the associate press.

Henry does his best to committ as many crimes as humanely possible and these lawyers cannot, for their fucking lives, get a charge to stick.

The good news is that Henry's suspension will likely be over because these charges are what got him the boot from Roger "The Hammer" Gooddell.

Somewhere Coach Ken is crying because everyone knows that there is only one team "clever" enough to sign Henry. Get your Henry bashing in early everyone, because if he lands in Dallas, T.O. will fight for him to the death


Saturday, July 12, 2008

Redskin Label Secure In Hands Of Old White Bitch Judges

In the least funny post Coach Ryan tends to post for a while, listen to this bullshit. A U.S. District judge has shut down a claim by a group of Native-Americans that "Redskins" name is not racist. Well not exatcly, what this old fuck (a season ticket holder undoubetly) did was throw it out of court because the plaintiffs waited to long?.

Brilliant fucking piece of law. No one is ever too old, or has waited too long to earn the right to justice. It's okay to free wrongly jailed persons based on DNA. But justice for those not in jail, fuck 'em right?

Allow Coach Ryan to chanel one of both his and Coach Ken's favorite coaches of all time, the great Coach Paolo Polanah. If the "Redskins" were instead called the "Washington Sambo's" and had an image of Amos and/or Andy in black face, would this ruling be the same? What Coach Ryan is getting at, is race wars.

Because there is no Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton pleading for Native-Americans, this is getting no publicity. This is a FUBAR ruling no matter how you look at. Personally, Coach Ryan is all for making the Redskins find a different name, because let's be honest, it has no ties to Washington, and no ties to football. This old bitch should step the fuck up and stop pussy-footing around it and say "Yes is racist" or "No, it's not racist," at the bare minimum. Not some fence-sitting equivocational faggotry. This is what you get paid to do. Fucking do your job and don't come up with some horse shit excuse in place of it. It is what it is, decide you old cunt (oh, is that offensive to women?).

There is no doubt in Coach Ryan's mind that if the Redskins were instead the "Washington Uncle Toms" there would be a fucking fiasco. There isn't a team in all of sports that references skin color like the redskins. There's not doubt if the team's name was the Washington "Bleading Minges" things would change for this judge

Let's be real, the Washington Bullets had to change their name, is it that crazy to make the football team do the same. You know that if it was the Washington "Gooks" shit would happen.

Cleveland Indians? That's pretty close. Would you call a Native-America an "Indian" to his face? Florida State Seminoles, no problem, the Seminole tribe backs the name. But if the "Fighting Illini" has to become the just the "Illini" then the "Redskins" defitnitely need some work. Coach Ryan thinks that perhaps the most suiting name would be the Washington "Foot-tapping Faggots" in honor of senator Larry Craig. That'd be the day. Suits their franchise and fan base.

Too prejudice? Coach's Ryan's point exactly.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Brett Favre..Something Something Something

We here at Top Dollar Coaching have made a concious effort not to go crazy with Brett Favre and his insanely gay bullshit. But that said, he's finally made some news so here it is, Coach Ryan promises to be brief.

Favre has asked for his release according to the man started all this hullabalo, Chris Mortensen. Good, go play for Carolina and fuck off already.

It's All In The Hips

Well there isn't much going on, so lets talk about some celebrity golf. The AP has done a little story on former Falcon QB Chris Chandler getting ready to defend his title at the American Century Celebrity Golf Championship at Lake Tahoe this weekend. More intersting in the story though is the fact that Charles Barkley gets shit on by all the celebrities every year at this tourny. Apparently, he is consistently dead last and everyone loves it. Even former Notre Dame basketball coach turned color-coordinated douchebag Digger Phelps gives him shit, saying "The only thing we need to be careful of is to make sure Barkley doesn't withdraw because that means one of us will finish last." Now Coach Ken is no golf expet, but Sir Charles' swing is fucking hilarious:

Jacksonville Owner Says He Hates L.A., Randy Newman, But Loves Pussy

Maybe Matt Jones was playing in the snow for a reason. While the Buffalo Bills have been the center of the "let's move a team some where" discussion, Jacksonville is close behind, nipping on the heels so to speak

Strapped with debt and located in a small market, Jags owner Wayne Weaver says his team won't be packing it in accodring to "the wire." Coach Ryan has news for Weaver, moving the Jags isn't like moving the Bills, there is no tradition, there is no history, move your team and shut the fuck up. Jacksonville can't host the ACC Championship, how the fuck can it support an NFL team that, while solid now, will undoubtedly slip into mediocrity in two or three years.

Los Angeles is begging to throw all kind of money at a team that Jacksonville only wishes it had. Weaver says that fans growing up in this recent tradition of kind of winning but nothing historic will drive the team into financial bliss... Yes, he's an idiot.

Coach Ryan doesn't understand why Weaver is reluctant to move the team. Who cares if Jacksonville hates you? This isn't the Colts packing it up to Indy. This isn't Art Modell bailing on Cleveland and going to Baltimore. God knows that if Katrina hadn't rocked the shit in New Orleans, Tom Benson would be counting the bills McScrooge style during the 2006 season. American sympathy, sometimes it's a bitch.

L.A. is the second largest city in the United States and it doesn't have a team. Granted, it's a city chock full of dick squeezers, it still deserves a team. And Jackonsville fits the bill. And for the record, tell the Bills to get it over with too. Pack your shit, Toronto is ready.


Already bored with our post, Weaver contacted Coach Ryan demanding to know when we start talking about all that fine snatch in FLA. Here's how it went down:

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Got Any Spare Change... I Got These Chesseburgers

The Chris Henry Show continues. We already told you he is broke. Now he wants help from us taxpayers. Chris Henry's trial for assault was declared a mistrial last week, and since then he declared for bankruptcy. Well the bank jacked his house, his jacked up SUV with plasma flat-screens in the head rests (smart purchase Chris), and now Chris doesn't have any money to get a trial record for the new trial. So, like any broke motherfucker, he asks someone else for money. Maybe he's got some cheeseburgers??



Well, I guess Chris didn't have any cheeseburgers, so he has done the next logical thing: asked for some taxpayer dollars. Now Coach Ken doesn't know exactly how this works, if there is a box to check on my W-2 that says dont give any broke criminals who have made millions playing sports any of my money. But if there is, I checked it. But either way its bullshit. Maybe if Chris was originally smarter with his millions, this wouldn't be a problem. Because we all know cash rules everything around us. Cream... get that money...dollar dollar bill y'all. So step to the Wu... Wu-Tang Financial... and diversify your bonds Chris:

Matt Jones Cheeses All Day Long

When former Arkansas quarterback Matt Jones went to the combine his numbers in the 40-yard dash single handedly propelled him into the first round, not as a quarterback, but as a wide receiver.

The Jacksonville Jaguars, a team that Coach Ryan thinks is pretty baller, were the team dumb enough to jump on this garbage of Jones making the transition to reciever. So far it's worked out just fine. Jones sucks, and was the third on the depth chart behind the great Ernest Wilford and Reggie Williams. Now with Jerry Porter replacing Wilford, and Troy "Ray Charles" Williamson making his way south, Jones seems to have slipped down to the four spot.

And what do four spot receivers from Arkansas do? Snort cocaine in the back seat of a car according to the Northwest Akansas Times. But it's all cool now. Jones is out on bond. Slap on the wrist, blah, blah, blah.

NFL Hires Policeman, Cheaters Rejoice

The Associated Press (which is just a term people who are too lazy to find the real source, like Coach Ryan is right now) is reporting that the NFL has hired a cop to oversee its new "strategic security department."

This "department" which will undoubetdly consist of just this cop is completely useless. You don't hire cops to catch cheaters. Just ask Vegas. You always hire cheaters to catch cheaters.

Let's do some quick thinking to unmask what a bullshit move this is.

Before we start, for the record, Coach Ryan's attempts at logical assumptions are balls on accurate. 60% of the time, it works everytime, like Sex Panther cologne, which both Coach Ryan and Ken personally endorse despite it's gasoline scent.... which is actually good for you. Coach Ryan likes the smell of gas. Anybody who doesn't is un-patriotic.... that's right you terrorist bastards. Sex Panther. Here we go:

Beeeeeel Beeeelichick gets caught cheating. NFL slaps Belichick on wrist. Pennsylvania Senator, and avid Eagles fan, Arlen Spector shits his pants when he realizes that the Patriots may have pulled a fast one on his beloved team in Super Bowl XXXIX. NFL hires a Pennsylvania cop to "take care of things." Tax money well spent. And now Spector, like the old dumb clown he is will say, "Oh good! They hired one of my boys. Everything will be fine."

Meanwhile, Beeeeel Beeeelichick and the other 31 coaches who cheated just like him, but didn't get caught, take a big sigh of relief as they can go back to "scouting" the other teams.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Trent Dilfer Wraps It Up, B

The word out in Stateline, Nevada (what a dumb fucking name for a town, right?) is that Trent Dilfer is calling it a career. Not surprisingly, he was a free agent.

He "led" the Ravens to a Super Bowl in 2000 and was rewarded by the Baltimore management with a pink slip. Dilfer signed with Seattle in 2001. Played sparringly. Then rode pine until 2005 when he took over the mess that Jeff "Chest Hair Is For Pussies" Garcia left in Cleveland. This past season Dilfer got another shot to put his 70.2 career passer rating to use in San Fransico when Alex "Baby Hands" Smith went down with injury.

Few amazingly average quarterbacks have milked more snaps than Dilfer, although Jon Kitna and Rex Grossman are doing their best. But as it stands today, Trent Dilfer is the showcase in the Pantheon of Mediocrity, which doesn't exist... yet. But it should. Coach Ryan would go see it.

Chris Henry Wants More Money (How About Some Of That Internet Money?)

Reports out of the wondeful state of Ohio are that former Bengal wide-out Chris Henry is trying to ride Michael Vick's coat tails by claiming he's broke too. It's the perfect news item for Coach Ryan to segue into a daily segment of "You know what really grinds my gears,"

You know it really grinds my gears that Chris Henry is broke and out of jail, while Michael Vick is broke and in jail. Henry, who played at WVU in his college days (Oh what happened in 2004 Chris? Beatdown.), has been arrested more than a handful of times for various crimes that include assault, aggrivated assault with a firearm, DUI, driving uninsured without a licsence, possesion of illegal substances, getting young girls drunk (well that's not really a crime, but they arrested him anyways) and of course, violation of probation.

Henry's time in jail: 2 fucking days.

Michael Vick got a bunch of mean dogs to fight each other.

Vick's time in jail: 8 months so far. He will serve atleast 18 months.

So to recap, it's okay to pistol whip people and to drive around uninsured, drunk, high and without a liscence. And you can do it with a bunch of really young drunk sluts in the back seat. But don't be mean to dogs. PETA is gay. And so is everyone hating on Coach Ryan's boy #7.

Add this up with the fact that Chris Henry sucked and Michael Vick was fucking baller, and you've got gears. Gears that are grinding. Hard.

Vernon Gholston Plays Name Game In First Day of Class

Hey, guess what? The first days of a football player's NFL career are just like College orientation. Jets first round pick and rookie linebacker Vernon Gholston's first task at mini-camp was to name the 84 other players on the roster per the New York Post.

And people question Mangini's man-genius, for shame. After Gholston failed the crucial test, Man-gina (as in, "Gina, actually. What's up?") told the former Buckeye not to be upset, he still had plenty of fun ice-breaking games to play.

Gholston then played "I Like People Who..." followed by Charades, where he finished with the second highest score ever (Keyshawn Johnson and Wayne Chrebet hold the record). Then VG took the field and Alan Faneca introduced himself by repeatedly clubbing the defensive end in the legs with a kendo stick.... and landed one shot upstairs, but everything's cool.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Look What You Did You Little Jerk

It seems only fitting that one the same day that Coach Ken highlights some of the positive things that Michael Vick has done for the dog loving community, that Vick has filed for bankruptcy. Today the Virginia-Pilot reports that the greatest quarterback in Falcon history is fucking broke.

That's right, Coach Ryan said it, broke. How are you going to incarcerate Vick for some 20 months, and then let all these banks sue the shit out him and steal all the money? What the fuck is that? Coach Ryan knows what it is; chicken shit.

Why should Vick lose a penny? Because he was smart enough to say, "Hey look at these fucking dogs, they're mean. I wonder which one of them is the best fighter." People do that kind of thing all the time, "Hey, I wonder who would win in a fight between Ghandi and Mother Theresa?" Well Coach Ryan has news, both those people are dead. Is Vick supposed to create a time machine and bring them back, train them and then give them a place to throw down? What's he supposed to do with all his great ideas? Wash himself with them? Because that's what soap is for.

Bottom line, is there anything else that Vick can do for the free-loaders out there? Leave this man alone. LEAVE HIM ALONE! Coach Ryan refuses to post Chris Crocker videos, instead you get the great Uncle Frank.

Nothing Is Fucked

Brigid Schulte of the Atlanta Journal (god bless her heart) has written a fantastic piece on a certain group of dogs. These dogs may or may not have been involved in dog fighting that may or may not have been somehow very distantly associated with Michael Vick. (Coach Ken still doesn't see any proof. Confessions...shmunfessions. And why the hell didn't the dogs get charged with anything. Hippy bullshit.) Anywhoo, these dogs are fine. Everyone wanted these dogs killed saying they were too aggressive. Crazy animal rights groups called them "ticking time-bombs." Well, turns out thats all poppycock. Instead of killing them, the generous Mr. Vick donated $1 million dollars in care for these dogs (don't worry about whether someone made him do it...erroneus.)

The dogs are being adopted left and right (I got three of them just yesterday.) Plus, some of the dogs are giving back to the community. One dog, named Leo, visits cancer patients as a certified therapy dog in California. No bullshit, read the article. You can't make this shit up. Another dog named Hector has been adopted and is about to start training for national flying disc competitions in Minnesota. Thanks to Mr. Vick, my money is on Hector taking home the gold. So quit hatin on MV. And quit hating on Michael Jackson. He made thriller....thriller!

Tony Gonzalez Is A Pussy

So everyone is making a big deal about Tony Gonzalez saving some clown shoe from choking to death at some restaurant. Kent Babb at the Kansas City Star reports that the Chiefs tight-end was at some Italian eatery when some asshole with no teeth tried eat an entire filet-mingion by just mashing his tired old gums on it.

The idiot in question began to choke and his wife screamed for help. And that right there is why Tony Gonzalez is a pussy. So he gets up and punches the guy in a stomach a couple of times and everyone lives happily ever after, but Coach Ryan is tired of old bitches screaming for help. This old bag has arms, why does the pro-bowl tight-end have to get up, let his veal scalapini get cold and do something that anyone can do?

Oh, he's choking, HELP! HELP! Coach Ryan's response? "Somebody should clock him in the gut, but not me, this dinner is too delicious to interrupt." What was that hag doing that was so important that she couldn't have handled things. She better have no arms.

Bottom line. Coach Ryan is getting tired of all these people who need help. You're dumb and choking on a juicy steak, let's be real, it's a filet. A medium rare one at that. Those things fall apart if you so much as fart near them. And this asshole finds a way to get it caught in his airway. This is why the world is going straight to hell. Back in the day, the guy who's too dumb to chew his food had his gene's removed from the pool. But now he'll spread his seed and we'll have to take shifts to monitor his kids from choking on something like their own spit. They'll probably have peanut allergies too. The times we live in....

Monday, July 7, 2008

Tatupu Pleads Guilty To Charges of Riding Dirty

Today Seattle Seahawks pro-bowl linebacker Lofa Tatupu plead guilty to his DUI charges he picked up on May 10, according to the Seattle Times. As a result the former USC linebacker will have to spend one day in jail.

Let's not kid ourselves here. Coach Ryan knows (of course, not from personal experience... Coach Ryan reads a lot) how this kind of run around works. Tatupu gets sentenced. People are happy that he is punished. He reports for jail. Spends two hours, in custody, not jail, just in custody. Then the magistrate or whoever says, "Wow, things are sure over crowded here, I wonder if there is someone we could let go to alleviate the problem." Then, like a good little boy, Lofa raises his hand and says, "I learned my lesson. I'll never do it again. You can let me out." The Magistrate agrees. The Seattle Times never follows up on the fact that Tatupu serves two hours out of the 24 he was supposed to and we all forget that this whole thing happened.

Meanwhile, Lofa goes home and maybe not in the same day he was release, but definitely in the first week, he's back riding dirty from club to club. And to be clear, Coach Ryan can only condone one style of riding dirty; that is of course, the fine art of ghost riding.

You Shot Me Dogg...Now Where's My Money

As reported last week by TopDollarCoaching, Ex-Charger linebacker Steve Foley settled his civil suit against the cop that pulled him over for a DUI and then shot him. Well, today the San Diego Tribune reported that the financial settlement was a whopping $5.5 million bones, or clams or whatever you call them. Foley's attorney said today "There's really no way to be happy with any resolution in this case. It wasn't about money." Hmmmm. Coach Ken isn't buying that one. Coach Ken thinks Foley wants that money bad. "Cop, you have til 5 o'clock:"

Mike Williams: Once, Twice, Three Times A Bust

Ahhh yes. Coach Ryan has been waiting for a piece like this. Nothing brings a smile to his face like a "Hey, maybe Mike Williams will be good this year," write-up. This particular line of bullshit comes not from Detroit or Oakland, but good ol' Tennessee.

Apparently, after three years of eating never frozen burgers from Wendy's (Mmmm, Baconater...) BMW is ready to take the NFL by storm like he was supposed to back 2005 when Matt Millen picked him over Derrick Johnson and Shawn Merriman (Coach Ryan is doing his best to hold it together here).

Slim and trim, Williams thinks he's ready to be the guy in Tennessee. Unfortunately from the former USC standout, he will have to pass someone on the Titans depth chart to make the team. Let's see, Justin Gage, Justin McCareins, Biren Early, and Lovelle Hawkins. These are familiar names. Maybe the real question here is not whether or not Williams will flop again, but rather, does Tennessee plan to run more than a one receiver set.

Allow Coach Ryan to save you some time. In 2008 Mike Williams will continue to disappoint, get cut, get fat again and disappear (in a purely philosophical sense, of course). Now, as for that 10.7 million dollars that BMW earned from his rookie contract (that's right, now who's for restructuring), he better save that money. It's about cutting corners and being innovative. Here's a quick how to on both, Big Mike Williams style.


Sunday, July 6, 2008

Samuel L. Jackson Pumps Up Oakland

According to the Sacramento Bee, all it takes for the Raiders to improve in the weight room is a loud voice and some good ol' fashioned energy. New strength and conditioning coach Brad Roll is bringing just that to the Oakland weight room this offseason. For additional motivation, Brad shows this video on a loop in the weight room so players can max out their squats:

Can I Ball?

Ex-Bengal wide receiver Chris "Get The Fuck Off Me" Henry just wants to ball. Henry recentely appeared on a local Cincinnati sportstalk radio show and said he is all business now and just wants to ball. He says its been a long three months not being on a ballclub and a loner three months not being at a nightclub. He also says he aint tryin to go back to court because last time he was there the judge called him out for over 3 minutes. 3 minutes? Damn, wrap that shit up B!



Here is the video of the real judge. It isn't so much, "You are a dumb person who disobeys the law and throws away opportunities." It is more along the lines of, "I'm a huge Bengals fan and you're an asshole for messing up my team. We had the best wide receiver trio in the league!" Seriously:

All These Guys We Sign, Don't Be Like Them

While the breaking news at the symposium for this years rookies was the throw down between Aqib "I Could Give A Fuck About My Draft Status" Talib and some Gamecock who's bringing crack back, Joe Biddle reports perhaps the most intriguing news item came from Jeff "Bullock" Fisher.

Fisher went wild on just about every player that took the field for him. Fisher pointed out Vince "What The Fuck Is A White T?" Young. And of course, Travis "What The Fuck Is A Condom" Henry was a point of emphasis too. Missing in the speech was Fisher's boy Mr. Adam "TNA" Jones.

Bottom line, Coach Ryan has to tip his hat to Fisher in what, let's be honest here, is a clear shoutout to management for supplying the Titans coach with some real winners.

Fisher closed his speech saying, "And please, if you ever play for me, don't fucking stomp on someone's head like Haynesworth. I can't believe we franchised him. That mother fucker. I swear to Christ. Who's in charge of scouting. I told that Croat a thousand times I don't fucking roll on Shabis."

Coach Ryan is a big fan of Fisher. He tells it like it is. Keeps it real. And sometime keeping it real goes wrong (You the man????). But when you look like Seth Bullock, if keeping it real is wrong, Coach Ryan doesn't want to be right.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

Bob Sanders Goes Soul Searching

In a bit for the NFL Network Jamie Dukes takes Bob Sanders around to come up with a fitting nick-name for the greatest safety of all-time ever in the history of the game, ever. Known as "The Hitman" as Iowa, apparently the time has come to spice things up.

The bit goes downhill fast (Sanders takes suggestions such as "The Animal","The Wildcat", "The Stopper", and "The Dreaded Destroyer") until out of nowhere, someone channels his best Jimmy "The Greek" Snyder and drops Bob "The Colonel" Sanders.

Of course no NFLN bit is complete with out a cameo appearance from Deon Sanders. Primetime comes up with "The Difference".

In the end, Sanders opts for "Sofa", because when he its you, it sofa. Lame. If we're roll will names like that, Coach Ryan suggests Bob "The Plunger" Sanders, because he'll fuck with your shit.

"The Colonel" is definitely the winner here, if only for the fact that it will serve as a constant reminder to the countless players who get coerced by the league not to do work for its network in these pointless filler bits. Having to stop by the NFL Network for a player is like having jury duty for an everyday citizen.

Also, this is a perfect opportunity for Coach Ryan to point out the similarity to the kinds of things Don Imus says, and the kinds of things that got The Greek shit canned. Here's a real gem.