Chris Henry Slipprier Than Goose Shit on a Pump Handle

Maybe the great state of Ohio just has complete boobs for prosecuting attorneys, but it's look more and more like the former bengal just can't be jailed. Assault and battery charges against the wide-out have been dropped according to the associate press.

Henry does his best to committ as many crimes as humanely possible and these lawyers cannot, for their fucking lives, get a charge to stick.

The good news is that Henry's suspension will likely be over because these charges are what got him the boot from Roger "The Hammer" Gooddell.

Somewhere Coach Ken is crying because everyone knows that there is only one team "clever" enough to sign Henry. Get your Henry bashing in early everyone, because if he lands in Dallas, T.O. will fight for him to the death

Redskin Label Secure In Hands Of Old White Bitch Judges

In the least funny post Coach Ryan tends to post for a while, listen to this bullshit. A U.S. District judge has shut down a claim by a group of Native-Americans that "Redskins" name is not racist. Well not exatcly, what this old fuck (a season ticket holder undoubetly) did was throw it out of court because the plaintiffs waited to long?.

Brilliant fucking piece of law. No one is ever too old, or has waited too long to earn the right to justice. It's okay to free wrongly jailed persons based on DNA. But justice for those not in jail, fuck 'em right?

Allow Coach Ryan to chanel one of both his and Coach Ken's favorite coaches of all time, the great Coach Paolo Polanah. If the "Redskins" were instead called the "Washington Sambo's" and had an image of Amos and/or Andy in black face, would this ruling be the same? What Coach Ryan is getting at, is race wars.

Because there is no Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton pleading for Native-Americans, this is getting no publicity. This is a FUBAR ruling no matter how you look at. Personally, Coach Ryan is all for making the Redskins find a different name, because let's be honest, it has no ties to Washington, and no ties to football. This old bitch should step the fuck up and stop pussy-footing around it and say "Yes is racist" or "No, it's not racist," at the bare minimum. Not some fence-sitting equivocational faggotry. This is what you get paid to do. Fucking do your job and don't come up with some horse shit excuse in place of it. It is what it is, decide you old cunt (oh, is that offensive to women?).

There is no doubt in Coach Ryan's mind that if the Redskins were instead the "Washington Uncle Toms" there would be a fucking fiasco. There isn't a team in all of sports that references skin color like the redskins. There's not doubt if the team's name was the Washington "Bleading Minges" things would change for this judge

Let's be real, the Washington Bullets had to change their name, is it that crazy to make the football team do the same. You know that if it was the Washington "Gooks" shit would happen.

Cleveland Indians? That's pretty close. Would you call a Native-America an "Indian" to his face? Florida State Seminoles, no problem, the Seminole tribe backs the name. But if the "Fighting Illini" has to become the just the "Illini" then the "Redskins" defitnitely need some work. Coach Ryan thinks that perhaps the most suiting name would be the Washington "Foot-tapping Faggots" in honor of senator Larry Craig. That'd be the day. Suits their franchise and fan base.

Too prejudice? Coach's Ryan's point exactly.

Brett Favre..Something Something Something

We here at Top Dollar Coaching have made a concious effort not to go crazy with Brett Favre and his insanely gay bullshit. But that said, he's finally made some news so here it is, Coach Ryan promises to be brief.

Favre has asked for his release according to the man started all this hullabalo, Chris Mortensen. Good, go play for Carolina and fuck off already.

It's All In The Hips

Well there isn't much going on, so lets talk about some celebrity golf. The AP has done a little story on former Falcon QB Chris Chandler getting ready to defend his title at the American Century Celebrity Golf Championship at Lake Tahoe this weekend. More intersting in the story though is the fact that Charles Barkley gets shit on by all the celebrities every year at this tourny. Apparently, he is consistently dead last and everyone loves it. Even former Notre Dame basketball coach turned color-coordinated douchebag Digger Phelps gives him shit, saying "The only thing we need to be careful of is to make sure Barkley doesn't withdraw because that means one of us will finish last." Now Coach Ken is no golf expet, but Sir Charles' swing is fucking hilarious:

Jacksonville Owner Says He Hates L.A., Randy Newman, But Loves Pussy

Maybe Matt Jones was playing in the snow for a reason. While the Buffalo Bills have been the center of the "let's move a team some where" discussion, Jacksonville is close behind, nipping on the heels so to speak

Strapped with debt and located in a small market, Jags owner Wayne Weaver says his team won't be packing it in accodring to "the wire." Coach Ryan has news for Weaver, moving the Jags isn't like moving the Bills, there is no tradition, there is no history, move your team and shut the fuck up. Jacksonville can't host the ACC Championship, how the fuck can it support an NFL team that, while solid now, will undoubtedly slip into mediocrity in two or three years.

Los Angeles is begging to throw all kind of money at a team that Jacksonville only wishes it had. Weaver says that fans growing up in this recent tradition of kind of winning but nothing historic will drive the team into financial bliss... Yes, he's an idiot.

Coach Ryan doesn't understand why Weaver is reluctant to move the team. Who cares if Jacksonville hates you? This isn't the Colts packing it up to Indy. This isn't Art Modell bailing on Cleveland and going to Baltimore. God knows that if Katrina hadn't rocked the shit in New Orleans, Tom Benson would be counting the bills McScrooge style during the 2006 season. American sympathy, sometimes it's a bitch.

L.A. is the second largest city in the United States and it doesn't have a team. Granted, it's a city chock full of dick squeezers, it still deserves a team. And Jackonsville fits the bill. And for the record, tell the Bills to get it over with too. Pack your shit, Toronto is ready.


Already bored with our post, Weaver contacted Coach Ryan demanding to know when we start talking about all that fine snatch in FLA. Here's how it went down:

Got Any Spare Change... I Got These Chesseburgers

The Chris Henry Show continues. We already told you he is broke. Now he wants help from us taxpayers. Chris Henry's trial for assault was declared a mistrial last week, and since then he declared for bankruptcy. Well the bank jacked his house, his jacked up SUV with plasma flat-screens in the head rests (smart purchase Chris), and now Chris doesn't have any money to get a trial record for the new trial. So, like any broke motherfucker, he asks someone else for money. Maybe he's got some cheeseburgers??



Well, I guess Chris didn't have any cheeseburgers, so he has done the next logical thing: asked for some taxpayer dollars. Now Coach Ken doesn't know exactly how this works, if there is a box to check on my W-2 that says dont give any broke criminals who have made millions playing sports any of my money. But if there is, I checked it. But either way its bullshit. Maybe if Chris was originally smarter with his millions, this wouldn't be a problem. Because we all know cash rules everything around us. Cream... get that money...dollar dollar bill y'all. So step to the Wu... Wu-Tang Financial... and diversify your bonds Chris:

Matt Jones Cheeses All Day Long

When former Arkansas quarterback Matt Jones went to the combine his numbers in the 40-yard dash single handedly propelled him into the first round, not as a quarterback, but as a wide receiver.

The Jacksonville Jaguars, a team that Coach Ryan thinks is pretty baller, were the team dumb enough to jump on this garbage of Jones making the transition to reciever. So far it's worked out just fine. Jones sucks, and was the third on the depth chart behind the great Ernest Wilford and Reggie Williams. Now with Jerry Porter replacing Wilford, and Troy "Ray Charles" Williamson making his way south, Jones seems to have slipped down to the four spot.

And what do four spot receivers from Arkansas do? Snort cocaine in the back seat of a car according to the Northwest Akansas Times. But it's all cool now. Jones is out on bond. Slap on the wrist, blah, blah, blah.

NFL Hires Policeman, Cheaters Rejoice

The Associated Press (which is just a term people who are too lazy to find the real source, like Coach Ryan is right now) is reporting that the NFL has hired a cop to oversee its new "strategic security department."

This "department" which will undoubetdly consist of just this cop is completely useless. You don't hire cops to catch cheaters. Just ask Vegas. You always hire cheaters to catch cheaters.

Let's do some quick thinking to unmask what a bullshit move this is.

Before we start, for the record, Coach Ryan's attempts at logical assumptions are balls on accurate. 60% of the time, it works everytime, like Sex Panther cologne, which both Coach Ryan and Ken personally endorse despite it's gasoline scent.... which is actually good for you. Coach Ryan likes the smell of gas. Anybody who doesn't is un-patriotic.... that's right you terrorist bastards. Sex Panther. Here we go:

Beeeeeel Beeeelichick gets caught cheating. NFL slaps Belichick on wrist. Pennsylvania Senator, and avid Eagles fan, Arlen Spector shits his pants when he realizes that the Patriots may have pulled a fast one on his beloved team in Super Bowl XXXIX. NFL hires a Pennsylvania cop to "take care of things." Tax money well spent. And now Spector, like the old dumb clown he is will say, "Oh good! They hired one of my boys. Everything will be fine."

Meanwhile, Beeeeel Beeeelichick and the other 31 coaches who cheated just like him, but didn't get caught, take a big sigh of relief as they can go back to "scouting" the other teams.

Trent Dilfer Wraps It Up, B

The word out in Stateline, Nevada (what a dumb fucking name for a town, right?) is that Trent Dilfer is calling it a career. Not surprisingly, he was a free agent.

He "led" the Ravens to a Super Bowl in 2000 and was rewarded by the Baltimore management with a pink slip. Dilfer signed with Seattle in 2001. Played sparringly. Then rode pine until 2005 when he took over the mess that Jeff "Chest Hair Is For Pussies" Garcia left in Cleveland. This past season Dilfer got another shot to put his 70.2 career passer rating to use in San Fransico when Alex "Baby Hands" Smith went down with injury.

Few amazingly average quarterbacks have milked more snaps than Dilfer, although Jon Kitna and Rex Grossman are doing their best. But as it stands today, Trent Dilfer is the showcase in the Pantheon of Mediocrity, which doesn't exist... yet. But it should. Coach Ryan would go see it.

Chris Henry Wants More Money (How About Some Of That Internet Money?)

Reports out of the wondeful state of Ohio are that former Bengal wide-out Chris Henry is trying to ride Michael Vick's coat tails by claiming he's broke too. It's the perfect news item for Coach Ryan to segue into a daily segment of "You know what really grinds my gears,"

You know it really grinds my gears that Chris Henry is broke and out of jail, while Michael Vick is broke and in jail. Henry, who played at WVU in his college days (Oh what happened in 2004 Chris? Beatdown.), has been arrested more than a handful of times for various crimes that include assault, aggrivated assault with a firearm, DUI, driving uninsured without a licsence, possesion of illegal substances, getting young girls drunk (well that's not really a crime, but they arrested him anyways) and of course, violation of probation.

Henry's time in jail: 2 fucking days.

Michael Vick got a bunch of mean dogs to fight each other.

Vick's time in jail: 8 months so far. He will serve atleast 18 months.

So to recap, it's okay to pistol whip people and to drive around uninsured, drunk, high and without a liscence. And you can do it with a bunch of really young drunk sluts in the back seat. But don't be mean to dogs. PETA is gay. And so is everyone hating on Coach Ryan's boy #7.

Add this up with the fact that Chris Henry sucked and Michael Vick was fucking baller, and you've got gears. Gears that are grinding. Hard.

Vernon Gholston Plays Name Game In First Day of Class

Hey, guess what? The first days of a football player's NFL career are just like College orientation. Jets first round pick and rookie linebacker Vernon Gholston's first task at mini-camp was to name the 84 other players on the roster per the New York Post.

And people question Mangini's man-genius, for shame. After Gholston failed the crucial test, Man-gina (as in, "Gina, actually. What's up?") told the former Buckeye not to be upset, he still had plenty of fun ice-breaking games to play.

Gholston then played "I Like People Who..." followed by Charades, where he finished with the second highest score ever (Keyshawn Johnson and Wayne Chrebet hold the record). Then VG took the field and Alan Faneca introduced himself by repeatedly clubbing the defensive end in the legs with a kendo stick.... and landed one shot upstairs, but everything's cool.

Look What You Did You Little Jerk

It seems only fitting that one the same day that Coach Ken highlights some of the positive things that Michael Vick has done for the dog loving community, that Vick has filed for bankruptcy. Today the Virginia-Pilot reports that the greatest quarterback in Falcon history is fucking broke.

That's right, Coach Ryan said it, broke. How are you going to incarcerate Vick for some 20 months, and then let all these banks sue the shit out him and steal all the money? What the fuck is that? Coach Ryan knows what it is; chicken shit.

Why should Vick lose a penny? Because he was smart enough to say, "Hey look at these fucking dogs, they're mean. I wonder which one of them is the best fighter." People do that kind of thing all the time, "Hey, I wonder who would win in a fight between Ghandi and Mother Theresa?" Well Coach Ryan has news, both those people are dead. Is Vick supposed to create a time machine and bring them back, train them and then give them a place to throw down? What's he supposed to do with all his great ideas? Wash himself with them? Because that's what soap is for.

Bottom line, is there anything else that Vick can do for the free-loaders out there? Leave this man alone. LEAVE HIM ALONE! Coach Ryan refuses to post Chris Crocker videos, instead you get the great Uncle Frank.

Nothing Is Fucked

Brigid Schulte of the Atlanta Journal (god bless her heart) has written a fantastic piece on a certain group of dogs. These dogs may or may not have been involved in dog fighting that may or may not have been somehow very distantly associated with Michael Vick. (Coach Ken still doesn't see any proof. Confessions...shmunfessions. And why the hell didn't the dogs get charged with anything. Hippy bullshit.) Anywhoo, these dogs are fine. Everyone wanted these dogs killed saying they were too aggressive. Crazy animal rights groups called them "ticking time-bombs." Well, turns out thats all poppycock. Instead of killing them, the generous Mr. Vick donated $1 million dollars in care for these dogs (don't worry about whether someone made him do it...erroneus.)

The dogs are being adopted left and right (I got three of them just yesterday.) Plus, some of the dogs are giving back to the community. One dog, named Leo, visits cancer patients as a certified therapy dog in California. No bullshit, read the article. You can't make this shit up. Another dog named Hector has been adopted and is about to start training for national flying disc competitions in Minnesota. Thanks to Mr. Vick, my money is on Hector taking home the gold. So quit hatin on MV. And quit hating on Michael Jackson. He made thriller....thriller!

Tony Gonzalez Is A Pussy

So everyone is making a big deal about Tony Gonzalez saving some clown shoe from choking to death at some restaurant. Kent Babb at the Kansas City Star reports that the Chiefs tight-end was at some Italian eatery when some asshole with no teeth tried eat an entire filet-mingion by just mashing his tired old gums on it.

The idiot in question began to choke and his wife screamed for help. And that right there is why Tony Gonzalez is a pussy. So he gets up and punches the guy in a stomach a couple of times and everyone lives happily ever after, but Coach Ryan is tired of old bitches screaming for help. This old bag has arms, why does the pro-bowl tight-end have to get up, let his veal scalapini get cold and do something that anyone can do?

Oh, he's choking, HELP! HELP! Coach Ryan's response? "Somebody should clock him in the gut, but not me, this dinner is too delicious to interrupt." What was that hag doing that was so important that she couldn't have handled things. She better have no arms.

Bottom line. Coach Ryan is getting tired of all these people who need help. You're dumb and choking on a juicy steak, let's be real, it's a filet. A medium rare one at that. Those things fall apart if you so much as fart near them. And this asshole finds a way to get it caught in his airway. This is why the world is going straight to hell. Back in the day, the guy who's too dumb to chew his food had his gene's removed from the pool. But now he'll spread his seed and we'll have to take shifts to monitor his kids from choking on something like their own spit. They'll probably have peanut allergies too. The times we live in....

Tatupu Pleads Guilty To Charges of Riding Dirty

Today Seattle Seahawks pro-bowl linebacker Lofa Tatupu plead guilty to his DUI charges he picked up on May 10, according to the Seattle Times. As a result the former USC linebacker will have to spend one day in jail.

Let's not kid ourselves here. Coach Ryan knows (of course, not from personal experience... Coach Ryan reads a lot) how this kind of run around works. Tatupu gets sentenced. People are happy that he is punished. He reports for jail. Spends two hours, in custody, not jail, just in custody. Then the magistrate or whoever says, "Wow, things are sure over crowded here, I wonder if there is someone we could let go to alleviate the problem." Then, like a good little boy, Lofa raises his hand and says, "I learned my lesson. I'll never do it again. You can let me out." The Magistrate agrees. The Seattle Times never follows up on the fact that Tatupu serves two hours out of the 24 he was supposed to and we all forget that this whole thing happened.

Meanwhile, Lofa goes home and maybe not in the same day he was release, but definitely in the first week, he's back riding dirty from club to club. And to be clear, Coach Ryan can only condone one style of riding dirty; that is of course, the fine art of ghost riding.

You Shot Me Dogg...Now Where's My Money

As reported last week by TopDollarCoaching, Ex-Charger linebacker Steve Foley settled his civil suit against the cop that pulled him over for a DUI and then shot him. Well, today the San Diego Tribune reported that the financial settlement was a whopping $5.5 million bones, or clams or whatever you call them. Foley's attorney said today "There's really no way to be happy with any resolution in this case. It wasn't about money." Hmmmm. Coach Ken isn't buying that one. Coach Ken thinks Foley wants that money bad. "Cop, you have til 5 o'clock:"

Mike Williams: Once, Twice, Three Times A Bust

Ahhh yes. Coach Ryan has been waiting for a piece like this. Nothing brings a smile to his face like a "Hey, maybe Mike Williams will be good this year," write-up. This particular line of bullshit comes not from Detroit or Oakland, but good ol' Tennessee.

Apparently, after three years of eating never frozen burgers from Wendy's (Mmmm, Baconater...) BMW is ready to take the NFL by storm like he was supposed to back 2005 when Matt Millen picked him over Derrick Johnson and Shawn Merriman (Coach Ryan is doing his best to hold it together here).

Slim and trim, Williams thinks he's ready to be the guy in Tennessee. Unfortunately from the former USC standout, he will have to pass someone on the Titans depth chart to make the team. Let's see, Justin Gage, Justin McCareins, Biren Early, and Lovelle Hawkins. These are familiar names. Maybe the real question here is not whether or not Williams will flop again, but rather, does Tennessee plan to run more than a one receiver set.

Allow Coach Ryan to save you some time. In 2008 Mike Williams will continue to disappoint, get cut, get fat again and disappear (in a purely philosophical sense, of course). Now, as for that 10.7 million dollars that BMW earned from his rookie contract (that's right, now who's for restructuring), he better save that money. It's about cutting corners and being innovative. Here's a quick how to on both, Big Mike Williams style.

Samuel L. Jackson Pumps Up Oakland

According to the Sacramento Bee, all it takes for the Raiders to improve in the weight room is a loud voice and some good ol' fashioned energy. New strength and conditioning coach Brad Roll is bringing just that to the Oakland weight room this offseason. For additional motivation, Brad shows this video on a loop in the weight room so players can max out their squats:

Can I Ball?

Ex-Bengal wide receiver Chris "Get The Fuck Off Me" Henry just wants to ball. Henry recentely appeared on a local Cincinnati sportstalk radio show and said he is all business now and just wants to ball. He says its been a long three months not being on a ballclub and a loner three months not being at a nightclub. He also says he aint tryin to go back to court because last time he was there the judge called him out for over 3 minutes. 3 minutes? Damn, wrap that shit up B!



Here is the video of the real judge. It isn't so much, "You are a dumb person who disobeys the law and throws away opportunities." It is more along the lines of, "I'm a huge Bengals fan and you're an asshole for messing up my team. We had the best wide receiver trio in the league!" Seriously:

All These Guys We Sign, Don't Be Like Them

While the breaking news at the symposium for this years rookies was the throw down between Aqib "I Could Give A Fuck About My Draft Status" Talib and some Gamecock who's bringing crack back, Joe Biddle reports perhaps the most intriguing news item came from Jeff "Bullock" Fisher.

Fisher went wild on just about every player that took the field for him. Fisher pointed out Vince "What The Fuck Is A White T?" Young. And of course, Travis "What The Fuck Is A Condom" Henry was a point of emphasis too. Missing in the speech was Fisher's boy Mr. Adam "TNA" Jones.

Bottom line, Coach Ryan has to tip his hat to Fisher in what, let's be honest here, is a clear shoutout to management for supplying the Titans coach with some real winners.

Fisher closed his speech saying, "And please, if you ever play for me, don't fucking stomp on someone's head like Haynesworth. I can't believe we franchised him. That mother fucker. I swear to Christ. Who's in charge of scouting. I told that Croat a thousand times I don't fucking roll on Shabis."

Coach Ryan is a big fan of Fisher. He tells it like it is. Keeps it real. And sometime keeping it real goes wrong (You the man????). But when you look like Seth Bullock, if keeping it real is wrong, Coach Ryan doesn't want to be right.