Bob Sanders Goes Soul Searching

In a bit for the NFL Network Jamie Dukes takes Bob Sanders around to come up with a fitting nick-name for the greatest safety of all-time ever in the history of the game, ever. Known as "The Hitman" as Iowa, apparently the time has come to spice things up.

The bit goes downhill fast (Sanders takes suggestions such as "The Animal","The Wildcat", "The Stopper", and "The Dreaded Destroyer") until out of nowhere, someone channels his best Jimmy "The Greek" Snyder and drops Bob "The Colonel" Sanders.

Of course no NFLN bit is complete with out a cameo appearance from Deon Sanders. Primetime comes up with "The Difference".

In the end, Sanders opts for "Sofa", because when he its you, it sofa. Lame. If we're roll will names like that, Coach Ryan suggests Bob "The Plunger" Sanders, because he'll fuck with your shit.

"The Colonel" is definitely the winner here, if only for the fact that it will serve as a constant reminder to the countless players who get coerced by the league not to do work for its network in these pointless filler bits. Having to stop by the NFL Network for a player is like having jury duty for an everyday citizen.

Also, this is a perfect opportunity for Coach Ryan to point out the similarity to the kinds of things Don Imus says, and the kinds of things that got The Greek shit canned. Here's a real gem.

Slow Day For NFL, Translation: Joey Chesnut Time

He done did it again. Joey Chestnut, the 2007 Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Champion successfully defended his title against Japan's Takeru Kobyashi.

However, unlike last year, Chestnut needed overtime to pick up the win. Tied at 59 snausages as the ten minute clock wound down to zero, Chesnut was able to beat Kobayashi in a race to consume five more links thus earning the victory.

In previous years, Kobayashi's repitilian technique overwhelmed fat Americans who thought that just because they are fat, they can eat 50-some hot dogs. Long story short, Kobyashi's skill and dedication single handedly pushed the "sport" of competitive eating into the spotlight. Last year an injury to Kobayashi made him the underdog. It was a blessing in disguise as it provided an opportunity for Chestnut to showcase his talents.

The good news is that the Japanese eating machine has recovered and has expressed his desire to stave off retirement and continue his career of mass consumption. Coach Ryan believes that Kobayashi and Chestnut are to competitive eating what Larry Bird and Magic Johnson were to the NBA. Let's hope that the thrill of getting a shitty trophy from a shitty hotdog maker drives these two men to continue to innovate new ways of stretching the human stomach.

Anyone want to know what kind of night Chesnut's in for after eating 64 hot dogs in 11 minutes? Some call it the John Denver experience.

You Had A Bad Day

Coach Ken is starting to get real tired of Brett "Nut-huggers" Favre being all up in the news, and all up in the rap videos. The guy isn't even in the league anymore. It's time to move on. So Coach Ken is giving Denim Dan the proper final goodbye:

Shitty Draft Cancelled, Draft Gurus Commit Mass Suicide

The fine folks in the sports department at USA Today are reporting that the 2008 supplemental draft has been cancelled. Apparently everyone had their shit together this year and there were no applicants.

The draft is traditionally reserved for complete fuck ups who either flunk out or get arrested and kicked off the team. Last year a pair of players were taken. Georgia cornerback Paul Oliver was selected as the Chargers gave up their 4th round pick in the 2008 NFL draft. The Ravens also jumped in on the fun selecting Maryland tackle Jared Gaither with their 2008 5th round selection. The good news that this is a gratuitous opportunity to talk about one of Coach Ryan's all-time favorite college running backs Maurice "Get Your Goose On" Clarett.

You see, the supplemental draft almost received celebrity status in 2004 when it looked like Mike Williams and Clarett planned to challenge the NFL's age rule. Instead both men took the year off and it worked out pretty good. Mike Williams is a type II diabetic. Mo' Mo' is wearing a fishnet serving gruel to Nasty Nate for at least one more year.

Here's a look at what was in the passenger seat of Mo' Mo's car when he was pulled over just one mile away from the home of a witness testifying against him. No joke.

Randy Moss Keeps It Redneck

Keeping in touch with his West Virginian roots, Randy Moss has purchased 50% of a team to race in the Craftsmen Truck Series, according to the Associated Press.

The truck's number will be changed from 46 to 84 to reflect Moss' ownership. The Patriots receiver hopes to eventually have a car in the Sprint Cup series. No news as to whether Marshall teammate Jayson Williams will take the wheel. Other driving candidates include the traffic agent Moss struck in 2002, and Joe Buck.

When asked how he purchased the team Moss told reporters, "Straight cash, homey."

You Shot Me Dogg

The Associated Press has reported that former Chargers linebacker Steve Foley has come to a settlement with the police officer that shot him and ended his career two years ago. According to the report, Foley had been drinkin that dark liqua, and decided to take his car for a spin. The cop followed him, gave him a sobriety test, then decided he needed to be shot. The amount of money Foley will get from the cop remains confidential. Coach Ken doesn't think the cop should have to pay. It could have been an accident. Like this:

Matt Ryan Can Multi-task

The Atlanta Journal Constitution reports that Falcon's billionaire quarterback Matt Ryan took a breather from swimming in his money Scrooge McDuck style to give Roger Goodell a piece of his mind.

Ryan, like a well trained athlete, sat on the fence and took no stance. Coach Ryan loves news making statements that like "I can understand both sides."

Perhaps Ryan's abilities to understand two concepts at the same time was what seperated him from the field when the Falcons hit the clock with the third pick.

Good job Matt. Now go home and get your fucking shine box.

Favre References Fleetwood Mac Album

Well Brett Favre's comeback lasted a total of six hours. According to Larry Holder down in Mississippi, its all a rumor. Turns out John Madden was the one to spread the return gossip.

Coach Ryan's response to Favre? A rumor Brett? No, you're a rumor.

FACE!

Also... Wrangler jeans are gay.

Barbaro and Eight Belles Scenario In Indy?

The Indianapolis Star reports the three Colt defenders will most likely begin training camp on the physically unable to play list (PUP). Two of them actually matter. First up is former highest paid defensive end Dwight Freeney ( Jared "The Drunk" Allen is the top dog these days). Freeney suffered the dreaded linsfranc ankle injury to end his 2007 season. Second is The Bob Sanders. His shoulder hurts.


With Sean "Nickle, Dime and Jew" Sallisbury gone from ESPN, the possibilty exists that Bob Sanders won't get the praise that he deserves. Bob Sanders was Chuck Norris before it was cool to be Chuck Norris. Bob Sanders' Madden rating is infinity. Bob Sanders isn't even injured. He's actually too healthy to play. They have to keep him off the field because he's so nasty at full strength there wouldn't be enough caskets to bury the lifeless corpses he leaves in his path. To ensure that millions upon millions of our readers never forget just how good Bob Sanders is we ask that you watch this montage below. The only way to understand just how truly amazing Bob Sanders is to watch his highlights with Linkin Park background music. Linkin Park background is essential to any highlight reel. Viewers here it and go "Oh fuck! This guy must be boss hog, I hear Linkin Park." Enjoy.

Rookie Brawlers

According to our rival and biggest blogging competitor ProFootballTalk.com, Bucs first round draft pick from Kansas CB Aqib Talib and seventh round pick from the Gamecocks RB Cory Boyd threw fisticuffs at the NFL Rookie Symposium. Yeah, I stole PFT's story. They stole Coach Ken and Coach Ryan's ideas. So I took their story. So what! Anywhoo, Coach Ken has reason to believe the fight was over a cheeseburger. If so, it could have gone something like this.

It's The Bird Man

According to Peter Schmuck (no bullshit, that's his name) of the Baltimore Sun, PETA has objected to the Raven's plans of introducing two live ravens into their pre-game festivities. First dog-fighting, now this? What can Coach Ken do with animals? Accordig to PETA, the game environment of bright lights, screaming fans, and loud noises will cause the birds distress. Coach Ken believes this is a publicity stunt to shift the negative light of animal cruelty onto the NFL and away from the true animal killers....old white women golfers.

Fear The Gap

Just barely retired, Michael Strahan is already straight pimping his shit. In a segment for the NFL Network, Strahan interviews Alicia Keys about... well, actually he doesn't interview her as much as he talks about himself and his "ten table stunna." You know what they say about guys with big rings? That's right. Freshly divorced, look for Strahan to absolutely plow through B and C list celebrities. It doesn't look like Keyes is all that interested, but Audrina Patridge or Heidi Montag? Open game.

Unlike Brett Farve, Coach Ryan gets the feeling that Strahan is pretty comfortable with life after football Maybe that "itch to play" would go away if #4 hit the streets hustling instead of tuning his banjo on the porch. Here's recent some footage of Favre and company to demonstrate my point.

Don't Call It A Comeback...

Brett Favre's been here for years. According to Chris Mortensen at ESPN, the old gunslinger has reached out to Coach Mike "Tubs" McCarthy to talk about the possibility of a comeback.

If Brady Quinn thinks he's got it bad with Derek Anderson's recently flourishing career, he should ask Aaron Rodgers what its like to hold a clipboard for the first four years of his career. Coach Ryan loves the fact that Rodgers could potentially fulfill his five year contract with out making a single a start.

The question remains, would a Favre return make the Packers better or worse? The answer; who cares?

The only good news for Rodgers is that a Farve return might actually make A-Rod some more money. When his contract runs up, the jury will still be out to whether or not he can play. And in the NFL that means you deserve a starting job. Just ask Matt Schaub, or Jon Kitna about getting rich off of bench play. Anyways, sooner or later Rodgers is going to sick of the Packers undying commitment to a legend who will at best have an even touchdown to interception ratio. He's going to say "Screw you guys..."

You A Dirty Girl (Dirty Girl)

In a poll conducted by ESPN, but actually carried out by Freddy Mitchell, Patriots safety Rodney Harrison was adorned the dirtiest player in the leauge. 37, as he likes to be called, ran away with the award.

Coach Ken's boy Roy Williams and his horse-collaring bullshit was good enough for second.

The poll was collected from about a dozen of the coaches across the league, and interestingly enough Albert "Curb Stomp" Haynesworth was nowhere to be found on the list. Harrison may be dirty, but Haynesworth is low down ruthless vato. But I like that, holmes. I like that.

Roger Goodell Doesn't Care About Young People

Speaking from his throne at some sort of town hall meeting, Roger "The Hammer" Goodell criticized the current rookie pay scale, describing it as "ridiculous." Goodell went on to note that he had not seen this kind of pandemonium since Ridiculous Day down at the deli, when prices were so low, it was ridiculous.

Gene Upshaw went on Sirius NFL Radio and vowed to maintain the status quo. America doesn't want to see the rookies work. They want to see them live. The head of the players union also added that he doesn't really fuck around with Goodell because he ain't baller.

All jokes aside, this rookie pay scale only rewards playing well in college and doing well at the combine. If these players think that they're so great, it would actually be in their best interest to have the veterans get the biggest chunk of change rather than just the top ten in each draft. Only 5% of the NFL gets paid as rookies. The others have to work for a big money contract so Upshaw is out of his minds if he thinks that he's representing the majority of the players union by supporting the current system, and the players are dumbing than we already think they are if they don't push to make some changes. But then again, how can a guy like Pacman Jones enjoy Dinosaur eggs benedict with out getting tons of money early on. Here's a tour of Gene Upshaw's house.